Streams and Bench

Have a seat, the show's ongoing.

Life is more than just a stream of consciousness, or at least it should be. But sometimes it does feel like a looping movie, constantly bombarding us with the same messages and ideas. The biggest lie that modern society or this movie has managed to propagate is the notion that there is always something better, that we deserve a faster car, we need a nicer bag, we need a newer mobile, we can do with a better looking partner, and the list goes on; Deserving desire. Yet to reject these desires seems to be a rejection of modernity and life as we know it. Perhaps its because we didn't get it right the first time round. Maybe Marx was right in exhorting that mankind is doomed to its own ruin through desire. That a new social organization can only emerged once the hubris of desire has been vanquished. But is desire so wrong?

Cog

Light and dark, round and straight, black and white.

For a while, I seem to have forgotten what it meant to shoot in black and white. Taking this photo has reminded me that colour can sometimes clutter and distract especially when we are seeking, order, symmetry and purpose. There must be a purpose in everything that we do, including a purpose for our very existence. Look around us and you will see that each and every item, organism or thing is designed with a purpose. The irony of man is that we can create for a purpose and discover the purpose of nature around us but we find it so difficult to distill our own purpose with some degree of certainty. Or at least I do. I like to think that man has a higher calling than just to create and consume. Perhaps this post is a spillover from the bouts of existentialist angst that I am prone to; The angst of being condemned to choose. I like to console myself with the thought that maybe my purpose is a collective purpose, like a cog in a machine, for which I have no sight of but encourages me to happily chug away. But if you give it some thought, even the cog does have its purpose within that of the machine and it is, as I've said, a mere fleeting consolation.

Anniversaire

Always time for tea.

I am not really a big fan of birthdays at least not my own birthdays. I actually find more joy in celebrating a loved one's birthday than my own. Nevertheless, birthdays to me are important as they serve as a milestone to take stock of life, otherwise life would be merely a constant stream of consciousness, no more no less. This year's milestone marks my last year as a twenty-something and it shows. Of late, I have been shocked with increasing frequency by the realization that certain events or memories actually took place further back in time than I had originally supposed. With this phenomenon, I cannot help but ask myself on this birthday where all that time in between went. More importantly, I find myself struggling to to account for all that time that has passed; What do I have to show for it? I would cut myself some slack and narrow it down to the past three years rather than to ask myself what I have done with my life since birth but still, the inability to produce an answer is telling. All I can show are a fistful of fears, a smattering of scars and a tacit acceptance that I am no longer as invincible as I thought I was just a few years ago. Perhaps the only thing that I can take away from this year's milestone is a realization that the longer I live, the shorter life seems. Happy Birthday.

Freeze

Desktop snapshot

When I was in the shower just a moment ago, I found myself muttering lines from an Auden poem, "In headaches and in worries, vaguely life leaks away... and time will have his fancy, tomorrow or today" and suddenly it dawned upon me that it is already midweek. Not surprisingly, I started thinking about my life leaking way, and how long it has been since I took a camera out for a walk and shoot or how many months have passed since I actually sat down with a nice magazine and a cup of coffee for an afternoon read or how it has been ages since I blogged an entry on a whim like what I am doing now. Soon enough, my thoughts wound up at the early birthday celebrations over the recent weekend. It was really nice to have a party even though I am not really much of a party person, being a bit of a fuddy-duddy and all. It was a really nice and warm feeling to have close friends around, people whom I hope that I mean something to; I am assuming that they showed up for me and not for the free alcohol. And perhaps this is what it really means to find meaning in life - it means discovering that you mean something to someone other than yourself.

Perspective

Like John Cage's 4'33

Everything truly is a matter of perspective. Or rather, everything is really about how the mind chooses to perceive it. Sometimes, the fears in our heads appear to be much bigger than they really are in reality. But if only we gave it a chance to play out; often we are too afraid to take that chance. Paradise lost indeed.

'the mind is its own place and in itself,
can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.'
~John Milton, Paradise Lost

Sit

Sit. Contemplate. Pray?

I had always assumed that the act of "believing" was a cognitive function rather than an emotion or feeling. A quick flip of the dictionary this evening seems to suggest otherwise, with entries along the lines of "to have confidence or faith in the truth", "to have confidence in the assertions of a person" or "to have conviction that a person or thing is, has been, or will be engaged in a given action...". Although there was a saving grace entry which defined "believe" as "to suppose or assume; understand". Confidence, faith, conviction all do not sound like cognitive processes to me. Understand on the other hand requires comprehension and that is without doubt a purely cognitive process. Going by the dictionary score, I would think that "believe" suggests more emotion that cognition. I guess this does not matter very much when we are referring to "believing" or "believe" but what about when we are talking in terms of being a "believer". What does it mean to be a "believer"? Last night I was reminded of Aquinas' description of a right decision which is when the feeling and the will are aligned. Today I was reminder of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations Book 12. Tonight, I like to think that being a "believer" lies somewhere in between cognition and emotion. But who knows what new definitions tomorrow might bring.

2CV

Roadside find

I have a soft spot for old mechanical items. I buy them knowing full well that they may at any moment die on me. Perhaps this affection is borne out of a rebellion against our consumerist society - the trend that churns out soul-less products designed to completely fall apart at a pre-determined time, compelling us to readily discard that item for a newer, better, slicker replacement. I often wonder whether our consumption habits are indicative of how we would approach other aspects of our lives such as our relationships, jobs and even self-worth. I like to think that in the face of a tide of consumerism, it is ever important that we learn to preserve, cherish and fix. But maybe I am just a rebel without a cause.